You're a retard. You're stupid. You're fat. You're ugly. You'll never amount to anything. Your clothes suck. That looks terrible.. 

And people wonder why i distance myself from them. Why im so reluctent to open up, to like them. 

Ever since i can remember people have been tearing me down. I tried to work on myself and not believing any of what they said. I tried to love myself. But i can't. Im too damaged. 

So this is me giving up. I quit. 

Questions...

You know how older people always say to you, "oh you jst have to love God, obey Him, read the bible and everything will fall into place" 

Okay you do that but nothing gets better.. And yet the people who do none of those things have everything you want and a much better life... How does that even make sense? Hows that fair? 

Youre doing everything your supposed too yet you still have crap.. 

Why try to even change your life if nothing good is going to come from it? 

the focus

Ah a new year, i say who cares? It's going to be the same old thing it always is. In fact I was right, life hasn't even gotten semi better. At the beginning of the year, which has only been 21 days long, my best friend walked out of my life. Yes i mean Adam. I've been a wreck, but in the past day I've realized a great deal about myself too. A woman from my bible study gave me a book called "I've never been to Vegas but my luggage has" by Mandy Hale. It was a good read, lots of heartbreak, but also good. 

So I've been writing Adam a letter, an honest one. Idk if i'll ever give it to him, but i defintely learned my biggest problem. The one i've had for 25 years, well maybe not exactly 25, we'll say 15 years. You can do the math and figure out right around middle school age, which for us was 5th grade. i want so badly to love someone and be loved in return, and guess what i had that. i had it and i messed it up, because i couldnt let him love me. 

so for the next month, i will be focusing on myself, and fixing me. 

and i will continue to pray for adam, whether hes never supposed to come back into my life or if he is, i will pray. 

Too much..

Things are a constant struggle and lately its just getting worse. Its the Christmas season so i should be happy but yet i find myself just having meltdowns. 

What i want most is for my best friend, Adam, to be happy. And if that means he dates another girl i have to be okay with that. Just ✔️ it off as another thing i want that i dont get. Im struggling to be okay with losing that dream. Sure he frustrates me to no end but in the end hes still the guy i go too, the guy i feel safe and comfortable around. I still dont understand why he is in my life or why he continues to be there, sure i hope he stays forever but idk. 

Keep me in your prayers.. 

In the wee hours of the morning

I havent written in a couple months, why?  Who really knows. 

You're probably wondering if things are better since my last post, they were while I was in Spain but then I came home. I was faced with the ending of a friendship, Adam in case you were wondering. And then a week later he came to bring me my stuff and I was going to give him his back but instead we talked for an hour and he asked me to be his friend. We'be had quite the rough patch, the first month was great but then we cuddled and it brought back all my feelings I have tried so hard to hide. We've been fighting and mostly on my part. I have tried to leave but I just cant bring myself to do it. 

So theres got to be something wrong with me. Why else would I push my best friend away? The one person who knows me, the one person who I can talk to about anything. Who sticks by me no matter what. Why am I so invested in ruining that? 

I guess I just dont feel good enough, worthy enough. Im not sure I ever will. What good have I done in his life? What good will I do? 

I dont think anyone can understand my struggles, and I dont know how to change. I dont know how to let myself feel good enough. The simple answer is God, but Im afraid I dont know how to get there. I am so closed off and I dont know if anyone will ever be able to break through. 

as of lately

I am not going to sit here and say that I have my life together, because I don't. I wont sit here and lie and say God and I are on good terms, why? because we aren't and haven't been for awhile. I cant really pinpoint an exact time where I stopped reading my bible and stopped talking to Him, I just gave up. and honestly I've been blocked and haven't been able to get back. sure in the past two weeks I have cried out to him a lot for some things but every time I want to pick up my bible, I just cant.

I don't want to say that I've given up, because I haven't. I mean tonight I went to the jewels bible study, and sure the fellowship is great and much needed, I just had a hard time listening to the woman on the video talking. and maybe that was because 1. I'm not a very big on "lectures" and 2. I was texting Adam the entire time. next time I go I think I just need to put away my phone and listen to it, like really listen. I think going to jewels will be a good thing for me, I just have to let my guard down and let people in.

since I brought Adam up I might as tell the world about him, okay really no one because no one even knows about this. I met Adam a month ago, and while it has been the greatest month of my life, it has also been a constant struggle. Adam and I both have issues from our past that make having a relationship difficult, and we had gotten too close too soon, so we took a million steps back and now we're just "friends" taking it slow and working things out and waiting for the day where we feel like we could have a relationship and make it work. people ask why I haven't given up yet, and I say because I cant, and I truly cant. but I also have been in prayer about it and I don't feel like God is telling me to give up, in fact I see a future with this man. and sure he probably thinks im nuts about this but i believe what i believe, and hes never seemed to judge me for that or not want to be with me and i appreciate that. i honestly don't know where we will go from here but i look forward to seeing, and experiencing life with him.

other than that things are going well. except that one of the neighbor boys passed away yesterday and I don't know why I feel a sadness because I didn't talk to him but I do. maybe I just care about other people a little too much. Adam thinks its weird that im this sad about it but what can I say, im a girl who cares.

until next time, stay awesome!

WHHHHHY

today has definitely been a day with fighting with God. well i wouldnt call it fighting but calling out to Him, asking Him why. 

i am 24 years old and not married or even in a relationship. i gave up all those useless boys who made me stumble, i read my bible every day and pray lots during the day, and do my devotion book. i'm trying to be content and wait for the perfect guy BUT it is SOO HARD. i see all my friends who are married and have kids, or are engaged, then i see the women who are in there 30's who arent married yet, and they seem to hold it together so well. its like they dont even care about being married, and they never talk about their future wedding. then theres me, and i seem okay for awhile but then i get so down and i just cry and cry about it. 

why would God give us the want to be married if He decides that its best for us to be single? yes i am afraid of that, but do i truly believe that i wont ever get married? no i dont think i do. i know theres someone out there for me and God is molding him into the Godly man i need him to be. BUT im tired of waiting. im tired of seeing all my friends who arent seeking the Lord with kids, married, boyfriends, etc. 

why shouldnt i have what my heart wants when I AM seeking God. i trust Him. i love Him. so what am i doing wrong?  but i guess writing this and complaining and what not isnt really being content, or having pure motives for seeking Him. 

so how is your heart? am i seeking God for the reward, or to know Him? 

my life as of today

i have been doing a devotion called lady in waiting, and it is excellent! i have learned so much and still have plenty to learn. if you are a female and you need a good devotion book, i highly suggest this one!

i recently had to make a choice about a guy i thought i was going to marry. we were unofficial and i was so thrilled to be planning a wedding to a guy i thought was the love of my life. HOWEVER God happens to work in mysterious ways and after much thought and reading my devotion book i made the decision to end things for now, but im starting to think that it might just be forever. and while i am bummed about losing my best friend, i am also glad for this separation, it has helped me realize so much, and maybe one day we'll be friends again, but for now I AM OKAY. it has taken me much time to be able to say that and truly believe it, and maybe that has to do with a guy i met tonight, i dont know.   

i am still unemployed but today i had an interview to be a sub in brandywine school district with the special needs students. we will see where that leads but im hoping for good things. student loan repayment starts soon, so i really do need to find a job and quick.




well i do believe that is all for now. 

TRUTH

my best friend shane put this on his facebook page. i watched it out of curiosity and low and behold it was exactly what i needed to hear. its the truth, half the time we dont want to believe what this guy is saying but im learning each every day how very true it is. this is a powerful message to all females out there.

COLLEGE GRADUATE!

after five years i'm finally done! on May 5th, 2013, i walked across the stage at Bethel College and received my diploma.
everyone told me i couldnt do it, that after two weeks i would be homesick that i would quit and come home. i have been thru so much than anyone actually knows, obstacles have stood in my way, and im proud to say i overcame each and every one of them.
so i'd like to thank the people who believed in me, and more importantly the people who didnt. yall forced me to dig deeper and want to come out and succeed.
im starting to realize im going to miss bethel a lot. i have learned a lot going there and grown a lot too. made some amazing friendships with people who i will stay friends with forever. i've learned that even through all the mistakes i make God still loves me, even when i dont deserve it. i've learned some people come and go, some i was sad to see go, others not so much.
most importantly i learned that i can do it.

CONGRATS TO THE CLASS OF 2013.

lately...

im bitchy.
depressed.
angry.
happy.
content.
indifferent.


so many emotions i've been dealing with. i cant even begin to explain some of the feelings i have. im not even sure where they are coming from. i dont want to feel this way.

a look at the past (senior year)

i started the year off in the lodge with 3 girls i never would have ever thought to be friends with. even people who knew them and knew me were like um what yall are roommates? thats bad. it started off okay, but by late September it all got bad, so i moved out.. i was supposed to move to logan, but that didnt happen, then i was moved to a room by myself in tuckey for what i thought was just the weekend, but that didnt happen.  i had my own room until i got put with cinnamon, and my gosh i wish i could have just kept my own room. i hated living with her, it was a nightmare, and im so glad that is over with. what else happened this year, my beautiful niece was born, which was the best thing that has happened to me. i love that lil girl more than life itself. i hung out a lot in zirelle house with my friends, played a lot of just dance. anthony(my ex of 2 years) came back into my life(even though he was married), he moved to indiana, and he came to see me.. that ended up in a mistake happening, but it is what it is. i worked two jobs from january to april and finally quit the dc at the end of the school year. some sodexo worked tried to force himself on me, and that ended up in this huge ordeal. graduation brought lots of tears, my class was graduating and i wasnt going to be walking with them. i said goodbye to a lot of amazing friends, who i happen to still talk too and miss all the time. i was a 5 star coach and those girls impacted me in a huge way. i also went to a bible study group in the beginning and that was fun while it lasted.

so here are some pictures.

 my favorite long arms. :)

i went apple picking a lot that year. and i had good friends to go with. 

 brittanys graduation party.

walks with this girl are one of my favorite things. 

 lauren and faith. i cant tell you how much i love these two, and how amazing their friendships are. no matter where we are or who we become i know i will always have these two in my life, and for that i am greatful. lauren helped me become the person i am today and i cant thank her enough.

 two of my favorite people to work with. they were most definitely missed this past year. 

 bre and amber.

 shanti, my favorite  girl from nepal. this girl is one of the sweetest people i know. we had many breakfasts together and many many many talks. she made my mornings working at the dc so much better.

 the year i discovered froyo!

 pink hair. enough said.

 my last year playing powderpuff with some amazing girls.thanks for the memories!

so many things to say about this girl right here. who knew five years later she would be one of my closest friends and she always will be. no matter where life takes us, katie, you WILL always be the best friend i ever had at bethel. i love our chats and our hang outs. i dont know what i would have done without you my 5 years at bethel.

 lauren. so much to say here too. we had tuesday and thursday night dates nights, probably my favorite nights of the week. i have so much to thank you for, and i appreciate everything you've done for me, and the talks we've had. i also could not have gotten thru my years at bethel without you.

 trying on dresses for their graduation.

 my beautiful niece.

the bible study group i went too.

its kind of funny how friendships dont last. i dont wish anything bad on these girls, they were good friends the four years we were friends, okay no they were okay friends, i definitely feel like i had better. especially when it all came down to it some of them i thought were just downright rude to me and i never expected us to stay friends. i wish them all the best in the future and i hope they stay friends forever because it was always better with me not there. so good luck girls! :)

a look at the past (junior year)

the only year i lived with someone the whole year.. this year i went on a missions trip to atlanta, georgia and fell in love with the south and the people.i also made some amazing friendships on this trip..i really dont remember anything big that happened so onto the pictures....

 on labor day we decided to go to the "beach" which is actually just lake michigan but anyways we ended up getting lost a bunch of times, eventually we got there and had a lot of fun. it was a good day.

 i lived with these 6 girls in logan village. we called our townhouse our toho.it was an intense and interesting year, with lots of fighting, crying, and laughing. i never really felt welcome and half the time i didnt want to be there. it was then that i realized that they werent really my friends but since it was my junior year there was no time to change my whole core group of friends. when sign ups came for rooming the next year they totally left me out and didnt even ask, i would have said no if they would have but they didnt they kept it all secret. talk about feeling left out, thats how i've always felt with them for realz. which im no longer friends with any of them.

 i lived with emma and brittany downstairs in the cave. we had deep conversations and i did enjoy living with them. however i always felt that my "friends" (the girls upstairs) had treated them way better than they had ever treated me so that made me resent them in a way.

 emily and i had a class together and one of the requirements was to learn a language from someone. we chose Portuguese. we struggled thru that together and became close. :)

the first and only jv soccer game i went too. katie whos in the blue was dating this guy at the time and we went for her. katie is one of my closest friends and i wouldnt have gotten thru my time at bethel without her. jordan whos in the middle was the same major as me so we had a ton of classes together and got to know each other that way. she was also one of my RA's sophmore year. 

 powderpuff. this was the year that we won it all.

 snowtubing with bethel, except that we went to the wrong place and it was just us and a few others. it was the first time i had gone with my youth group many years ago. it was a really good time and it was then that i got to know faith the girl on the end in the blue a lot better.

 ice skating with bethel. my skates were way to big so i fell a bunch of times.

 this is shrimpy.aka colette, we worked together since freshmen year. she took me to walmart and mcdonalds a lot this year. we can talk about anything and everything. she was my lifesaver while working after kalin decided to quit.

 my normal work crew. we were taking pictures because i was going to quit, now if that only would have happened.

 the group from bethel.. spring break. atlanta missions team. so many memories on this trip, if i started to talk about it this post would be 10 X longer than it already is. God really blessed me on this trip and gave me some amazing friendships that i wouldnt take back for the world.

 long arms, aka jessica. we met on the missions trip and formed a great friendship! 

 i received this beautiful car.

a look at the past (sophmore year)

soph year had a lot of ups and downs. in the beginning i had a month fight with my core group of friends, over something incredibly stupid. i moved from living with glory to living with janelle. that was a a good thing about it. in march my friend james died and that has been the hardest thing to deal with. my core group of friends werent really there for me, i remember the one telling me after a week that i needed to get over and move on because apparently he wasnt that great of a friend because i never talked about him, which is not true, i talked about him all the time.. it hurt that she said that. to this day im still not over his death. but here are pictures to explain my year.

i got to go to ohio before school started to visit Lauren. it was a really fun time and i appreciate this girl more than anything in the world.

jenn and i just goofing off as always

powderpuff. obviously only some of the team. me and nicole are the only two in this picture that played four years. two of them felt they didnt get to play much because zach our coach had favorites, i didnt see that at all. 

i went to resturant night with these girls. which is when the DC makes the presidents dining room all nice and has some fancy food.

my world religions class went to chicago for the day and we went to a buddhist temple, a hindu temple and something else. it was a good time getting to spend with people i didnt know well and getting to know them better. i also learned a lot which is good since thats what this trip was for.

  


notre dame drum circle. its so much fun and i love going to it. i'll def miss that when i dont live here anymore. GO IRISH!

the year i met kalin, who is still my friend to this day. we worked in the dc together and got yelled at constantly. but i wouldnt have made it thru working there without her.

 Amy and i. we went bowling at the start of spring semester. this was before i chopped my hair off. :(

fall break i went to kansas city, missouri to IHOP. it was a good time to make new friends and get closer to God. i would do it all over again.

 celebrating my half birthday. i cant say i never had good times with these girls because i did. but i never really felt like i belonged with the group. we would fight a lot and sure i know friends do that but i always felt like they would make fun of me and idk, its complicated. however this was a fun night and i'll never forget it.

 i skipped my night class and went to spring arbor, michigan for a basketball game. the only time i have ever went to an away game.

 celebrating jenn's birthday. we started the night off eating tacos at a good authentic mexican restaurant and she insisted we break the pinata in the freezing cold, with it snowing.

 garrett. we had an interesting friendship. we would go on nightly walks and talk about everything and anything. 

zach: pretty much one of the coolest people i met that year.

  

the year i became really good friends with katie. she is the definition of a good friend. she has helped me thru so much and been there when i needed someone. i know her and i will be lifelong friends and i thank God for this girl each and every day.

  


me and lauren. she has also been there for me thru so much, and we overcame a huge fight and gosh i wish she was still at bethel.

 janelle and lindsey. two girls i appreciate so much. they were there when i needed someone, they gave me good advice.

 lauren and laura. i met them working in the dc and im still friends with them to this day. i wouldnt have gotten thru those dc shifts without them. im so glad God brought them into my life, and continues to bless me with their friendships.

my first time being in a sumo costume, it was hot and sweaty and gross, but it was super fun. until i would fall and im short so i would get lost inside. 

   

 i was in janelle's wedding. my first wedding being in the wedding party, it was a good time.

i spent spring break in angola, IN. with a friend, and i met some of her friends. and i got a motorcycle ride from an incredibly hot fellow. :)

i also met jess working the the dc. we spent may term together.