You're probably wondering if things are better since my last post, they were while I was in Spain but then I came home. I was faced with the ending of a friendship, Adam in case you were wondering. And then a week later he came to bring me my stuff and I was going to give him his back but instead we talked for an hour and he asked me to be his friend. We'be had quite the rough patch, the first month was great but then we cuddled and it brought back all my feelings I have tried so hard to hide. We've been fighting and mostly on my part. I have tried to leave but I just cant bring myself to do it.
So theres got to be something wrong with me. Why else would I push my best friend away? The one person who knows me, the one person who I can talk to about anything. Who sticks by me no matter what. Why am I so invested in ruining that?
I guess I just dont feel good enough, worthy enough. Im not sure I ever will. What good have I done in his life? What good will I do?
I dont think anyone can understand my struggles, and I dont know how to change. I dont know how to let myself feel good enough. The simple answer is God, but Im afraid I dont know how to get there. I am so closed off and I dont know if anyone will ever be able to break through.
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