christmas!

i know i shouldnt be sad on Christmas but i am. 
why you ask? well you didnt ask but ima tell you anyways..

here it is.. 

my older brother has a fiancee
my twin has basically a wife, and a child. my niece.
my parents have each other. 
i have no one!  i shouldnt be upset about this but i am.
today they were all cuddling and being lovey and i had to sit there and watch them and be happy, and i am happy for them, honest. 
it just sucks for me.  
i want someone. im 23 years old and i just want the one to who im going to marry to come and be with me already. 
its so hard watching my friends and family being in relationships and getting engaged, married, having kids.. 
why cant it be my turn? is there something wrong with me? 

so Lord maybe you could bring him to me soon? 

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE! I HOPE Y'ALL HAD AMAZING DAYS! 

out of control

my life is out of control ....like badly. 

i dont know who i am anymore. i feel so lifeless, so unworthy, so useless, i'm just a mess of problems. i dont know what i'm doing, where i'm going, heck i dont even know if i believe in God anymore. i'm going through the motions and barely surviving. i need to be revived. i need something. 

who the hell am i?  

heartaches

first off, James' birthday is on friday and it just has me thinking of how much i miss him. i spent thanksgiving with his family and it just felt like he should have been there but he never will be, until we meet again in Heaven. i just miss him so much and being able to be myself around him. he was one of the greatest friends i've ever had and he will forever be in my heart.. and to all the people who told me to get over it and move on, (back when it first happened) all i have to say to you is, you OBVIOUSLY dont know what its like to lose a best friend or anyone for that matter. 

second. i've made a ton of mistakes, and will for the rest of my life, but falling in love with you  is one thing i regret the most.   besides the fact that i'd like to think i regret it, i dont know if i really do. yes, you were one of the best things to ever happen to me but we've changed in the past year and a half. we always said we'd always be friends and im starting to think thats not true. and i miss you all the time, but its time for me to see what life is like without you, so heres to the future without you in it. 

third... im a missions major, why? because i felt God calling me to that and He has made so much possible for me to be here at bethel. HOWEVER  im at a point in my life and have been for awhile as to why God would call me into the missions field, in fact someone last night was questioning that too. but he was right, with everything i do and say im not missionary material, im not worthy enough to go and spread God's love. what am i even doing here? im such a fake, i dont belong here. truth is, i love what i do, and even though it makes me feel bad in the end, i like doing it. i need to step back and re-evaluate my life, and the things im doing and ask if its truly worth it. 

fourth. i have to go, i may or may not finish this some other time.. more on the may not side.  

Life at Bethel

i recently found out what i think I've truly known all along. who my real friends are. after 5 years, im happy to say i dont consider any of them my friends. to be honest, i dont think i ever did. i always said to others that i knew we were NEVER going to be lifelong friends. thats the biggest thing thats happened in my life. and i honestly couldnt be HAPPIER about it! so thanks for a kinda good almost 5 years, but im glad yall are out of my life for good. sure if i see you around (which i dont think will really happen) i'll be nice and say hi but other than that i dont want to know anything else. and i dont want you to know anything about my life. 

i ABSOLUTELY  love my roommates. we have so much fun together! im so thankful for finally getting AMAZING roomies. they have been here for me so much, and i really dont know what i would do without them. TEAM 102 BABY! :) 

 












that is basically all that has been going on in my life, minus a few things that i've been stressed about but thats all trival crap. and God will help me figure it all out. this much i know. i trust in Him always now. :)

5th year.....

being a 5th year isnt exactly all its cracked up to be, sure people say its normal to go 5 years, but honestly i feel lonelier than i've ever felt before, and i hate it. i dont like feeling or being lonely, i mean what person does? so being a 5th year is going to have to be a huge adjustment for me... 

classes are good, i really like some of them but some i dont.. they seem like there all going to be a looooot of work, but thats fine since i really have nothing else to do. except work.. 

i really like my roommates, ellen and michelle.. its going to be a good year with them :)  

heres to my 5th year and graduating in MAY! :)

SCaRed

this past week my stomach has hurt like no other, i couldnt even eat without it hurting... i had no clue what it could even be.. 

so my parentals were asking me questions then they decided they knew or thought they knew what it was, so they were pushing on my stomach where my gall bladder is and i was screaming in pain. 

so the next day i went to the doctor and he confirmed my fears, he thought it might be my gall bladder too, which could end up in surgery. 

so i'm scheduled for a ultrasound tomorrow to find out if it is indeed my gall bladder.. 

im scared because i dont want to get surgery, the whole idea freaks me out, i know God will protect me and all but im still scared. ughh.. but i guess i'll find out tomorrow. 


in other news. i head back to bethel on tuesday, for my last year of college ever! so exciting yet scarey. im excited for the plans for the future and i look forward to that, but heres to the next year at bethel! 

stupid!!

i am soooooooooo STUPIDDDDD!!! 

i actually thought that i could talk to demarco again, i dont know why but i did.. and im stupid, just stupid.. 

so thank yo satan for trying to get to me again, im not listening to you again.. so stop trying to throw things at me.. 

For you... You know who.

You are my best friend.. The greatest best friend i've ever had.. And i dont want to lose you ever. I get that your tired of the demarco drama and honestly so am i, yes the past two days i have talked to him because i feel like i have no one anymore and he was there.. But i want to see and know what my life is without him.. Im trying to start over, i want to get to a good place with my amazing Father, and so far its only been a week but its been amazing journey.. I cant wait to see what the future holds but truth is i cant do it without my best friend by my side, someone to talk to about certain things, good things, struggles.. Whatever goes with starting this new life with God.. God's been trying to get my attention for so longand yes it took a huge mistake to realize this but i realized it and im doing something about it. For the first time in 23 years im reading my bible everyday, im praying more, im listening to speakers.. Its an amazing thing and i want to share it with you my best friend.. Last night i was thinking and if we're not friends, best friends, i wont have a maid of honor at my wedding, i wont have someone to share super fun things with, i wont have one of the most important person in my life.. I've been so blessed to meet you and i know you think that i'll get mad at what you have to say but you dont know that, your my best friend, i respect what you have to say.. And i've probably said it to myself a thousand times.. I love you dear friend, and i hope you read this, all the entries, you'll understand so much more.. 

ughh, i talked to demarco today. for like 2 seconds.. but that was a mistake.. 

i need to just delete his number.. so this doesnt happen again. 

MoVVViiEs

tonight i watched two movies. 
first i watched soul surfer, a movie i've been wanting to see since it came out, but i just never got around to it. my mom and i went grocery shopping at giant and she pointed it out, so i broke down and paid the 15 dollars for it. let me just say, 15 dollars well spent! you know how sometimes you buy something then you have buyers remorse, yeah definitely dont. :) anyways, this movie is a must see if you havent. i had NO IDEA that it was a christian movie, so that surprised me when the beginning started showing courageous and to save a life. (great movies btw)
anyways, i LOVED soul surfer, i feel like in a way God wanted me to watch this movie, because i am questioning a lot of things right now, and i dont know much of anything anymore. but Bethany Hamilton was attacked by a shark and lost her arm, she wanted to give up but after a missions trip to thailand she came back and was ready to start again. as the movie says sometimes you need to step back and get a new perspective. maybe thats exactly what i need to do. im not sure what exactly that means yet, but realizing it is a start. 

the second movie i watched(cuz i have nothing better to do) was water for elephants. i got it on netflix last week and i kept putting watching it off cuz i read the description and i was like oh great im not going to like it, well folks, i actually loved it as well! shocker right? for me yes. i thought the man, august, was so rude, how can someone beat animals? and your wife? ugh, it disgusts me. but either way it was a great movie, and frankly i love any movie with reese witherspoon. 

well thats my two cents about two great movies. now its time to try to get some sleep.. probably wont happen. 

words from a good friend

i was talking with a good friend last night on facebook, and told her some of the things i've been questioning and going through, and she sent me this. 

Lastly, I'm so sorry for what you're dealing with. I can't say much since I obviously don't know the situation, but I know what it is to face challenges and question your faith. I'll be praying for you. And please know I'm here if you need to talk. The one thing I can say, as trite as it will sound, is this: This will pass. I know that it's crazy rough right now and you probably feel like you're not sure it will ever get better. But I promise you it will. And even when it does, it still may not make any sense for a long time. But someday, things will be better and you will be stronger. And once these scars have healed, you may find that this injury was one of the most beautiful things you could have experienced. I had to get to a place of complete brokenness before I could begin to grasp what it meant to believe in God. And I thought I'd be broken forever, I thought it would never get better and I'd just be a wanderer forever without any real purpose, believing in God but not trusting or pursuing him at all. But healing comes, and faith and purpose can be restored. The pain never fully goes away. At least it hasn't for me. It took me 2 years to figure out what "faith" and "trust" meant to God. I'm not saying it's a speedy journey -- just that the destination is so worth it.

So don't give up. Keep seeking, keep asking. Talk to people who've been where you've been, seek out mentors or friends or whoever you need to to advise you. You don't have to walk this alone.
 
i feel like this is something i needed to hear, so we'll see what happens from here.

Searching....

last week i got fired from my job at camp grandview..
i made a huge mistake and now im dealing with the consequences of my actions. losing the best job i've ever had, being heartbroken, losing a person i love more than anything, has made me question quite a lot of things. 
im searching for the answers, and i havent gotten anywhere. 

do i go back to bethel? well yes, because i need to finish what i started and i cant quit with one year left. 

do i work as a missionary after graduation? i dont know. 

am i really a christian? i dont know. 

am i where God wants me? i dont know. 

 do i want to be a christian? i dont know. 

who am i? i dont know. 

i feel like i have lost every single thing in my life. and why, because i decided to do something with someone who i never meant anything too. 

what have i become? 

Proud Aunt Aggie

back to the place i belong :)

in 8 short days i will be returning to the place my heart has longed to go for the past 10 months. Camp Grandview in Jasper, Georgia. :) 
when i got back from camp last august my heart had a huge hole in it, and everyone kept telling me it would go away, well wouldnt you know it, it didnt go away, it just kept getting bigger. 
so of course earlier in the year i wasnt expecting to go back to camp because i had to do an internship for my major and well of course because some of the decisions i had made last summer. 
well i had applied for an internship in CT, but that same day i applied for a counselor position at camp grandview, i didnt even realize i applied until after i applied, it was a long shot, since i didnt think i'd get rehired. 
wouldnt you know it, 18 days later i got an email saying i had the position of counselor and before thinking i accepted, before i knew if i had gotten the internship, well a couple days later the lady from the internship called me and told me i didnt get it, which of course i was fine with, it just meant i got to go to camp grandview! which made my heart whole again, only because i knew i was going back. 
while i am nervous to see demarco, im also excited to see my best friend SHAUNA KNIGHT! :) and im more than excited to be a witness to the girls that i come in contact with. it will be one amazing summer. i dont know why God wants me there but He does, and im excited to see what He has in store for me this summer. :)

 my little bug Secoriah, i really hope she comes back, because she made a huge impact in my life. :)

As school comes to an end once again

on sunday april 29th, i will be watching my class walk across the stage at graduation.. 
its bittersweet, knowing that i have to wait a year extra to put on my cap and gown and walk across the stage to receive my diploma. i'm trying to make the most out of this situation but its hard. i guess God just has more for me here at bethel. so heres hoping my super senior year is the best!  


Faith and Lauren, i miss them already. so glad i met Lauren 4 years ago and Faith last year :)

Jenn, Jess, Brittany, and Kristy..(not pictured, amy,becky, and emma) all graduating except Jenn and Becky.. my core group of friends for the past four years.. we've had some good times and bad.

searching....

Maggie, 
   why are you still looking? i'm right here, in front of  you, by your side, behind you, everywhere..why cant you see that? i love you more than you'll ever know. i wish you would believe me, Maggie your my daughter, i want you, i love you. stop fighting my hands that are holding you. you deserve so much more than you know. you are precious. seek me, love me, know that i'll never fail you. 

i love you my dear child. you ARE worth it, stop believing everyone who tells you your not, i'm telling you that you are. 

God, your father. 

aunt maggie

i am officially an aunt to a beautiful healthy little girl!

meet haylee marie heller, born feb. 16th at 5:05pm at 6 lbs, 13 ounces and 19 inches.

waiting

this is song is amazing.

truthhhhh

love this, love him..

i just got back to bethel yesterday morning, skipped the first two days of school..which im glad i did, but i have to say im not ready to be back, or more like i dont want to be here. it seems to always be like this for a few weeks, and im not really sure why. it just happens. 
break was good, except for the fights my family had, but thats always expected so i dont know why i thought it would be different.
on the train ride back i met some really awesome people. 
jennifer:: i met her first well technically second but i didnt really make a friendship with the first girl i met. lol. but because of that girl i met jennifer. she has family who lives in lancaster, but she lives in ohio..we rode 7 hours together. shes engaged, and totally nice. i can foresee us hanging out in the future. shes as short as me, and the 21. we're similar in a lot of ways.
adam:: jennifer was sat next to him. hes 24 and lives in fl but goes to school in michigan. hes realllllly smart, and a lot of fun to talk to. 
then theres neil:: the bearded man...ahh a 27 yr old park ranger from utahhhh. he originally comes from street, maryland. i had the most fun talking to him.with all our banter. :) he likes to travel alone and at this moment he is in chicago upon return to utah. and no he isnt mormon. 
dennis:: hes the oldest one of the group but he was also a lot of fun to talk to.
we talked all night, and it was one of the best train rides of my life.