heartaches

first off, James' birthday is on friday and it just has me thinking of how much i miss him. i spent thanksgiving with his family and it just felt like he should have been there but he never will be, until we meet again in Heaven. i just miss him so much and being able to be myself around him. he was one of the greatest friends i've ever had and he will forever be in my heart.. and to all the people who told me to get over it and move on, (back when it first happened) all i have to say to you is, you OBVIOUSLY dont know what its like to lose a best friend or anyone for that matter. 

second. i've made a ton of mistakes, and will for the rest of my life, but falling in love with you  is one thing i regret the most.   besides the fact that i'd like to think i regret it, i dont know if i really do. yes, you were one of the best things to ever happen to me but we've changed in the past year and a half. we always said we'd always be friends and im starting to think thats not true. and i miss you all the time, but its time for me to see what life is like without you, so heres to the future without you in it. 

third... im a missions major, why? because i felt God calling me to that and He has made so much possible for me to be here at bethel. HOWEVER  im at a point in my life and have been for awhile as to why God would call me into the missions field, in fact someone last night was questioning that too. but he was right, with everything i do and say im not missionary material, im not worthy enough to go and spread God's love. what am i even doing here? im such a fake, i dont belong here. truth is, i love what i do, and even though it makes me feel bad in the end, i like doing it. i need to step back and re-evaluate my life, and the things im doing and ask if its truly worth it. 

fourth. i have to go, i may or may not finish this some other time.. more on the may not side.