just a dream

i wrote a few weeks ago that i had let demarco go,but i didnt truly do that until last tuesday..a week and three days ago. 

except that last night he facebook messaged me and said how much he missed me and wanted to talk to me..blah blah blah.

i wanted to talk to him, every bone in my body did..and i did, but we ended up in an argument and he deleted me from facebook, well he ended up readding me but still.. 

i love him lots, theres no doubt about it, but i cant let him keep doing this to me.. i need time and space from him, which he ended up seeming mad about, but doesnt he want me to move on? like i just dont understand him..

however, i just dont know what to do anymore because i do love him and want to be with him..but its all just a dream.

blessed

these five girls have blessed me immensely during the past 8 weeks. and i hope i have done the same for them.
its  no secret that 5 star makes me miss summer and being at camp, but at least  i still have the opportunity to love on these five girls. 
each one of them has shown me something and i love each one unconditionally. i was blessed by these girls this season and i cant wait for the coming seasons with them. 
so January hurry up and get here because im going to miss spending my monday afternoons with them. :)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JAMES!

it should come at no surprise that i miss this kid with my whole heart. this kid was my little "big" brother, the one person i could ALWAYS be myself around.someone who i NEVER thought would make me cry as much as he did after finding out he passed away. someone i NEVER thought i would even be as close to as i was.someone i NEVER thought would cross my mind everyday.
however, he is a person i will NEVER forget.and NEVER stop loving..
HAPPY BIRTHDAY JAMES, keep rocking it upstairs with Jesus. we all miss down here but your in a much better place than all of us combined.  :) i cant wait to see you again someday. oh what a joyous day that will be. 

turkey in yo belly time! :)

i have lots of things to be thankful for this year..i find it cliche to write that your thankful for your family..cuz yes im thankful for my mom and dad, but my brothers not so much..i know thats horrible to say but you dont know my brothers.
what im most thankful for, is the freedom to worship God. and the opportunity i got this past summer to work at camp grandview, i definitely appreciate the salvation army way more now....
so i hope you all have a wonderful thanksgiving! :)

inspiring.

this guy is amazing. i urge you to watch this. it made me think of how i should be grateful to have arms and legs, and just to be happy in general..hes truly inspiring. thank you joslyn for putting this on your facebook.

Me and God.....

i chose this particular picture for this blog entry because tonight has been a hard night on me.i've let God down a lot in my 22 years of life. and this past summer i feel like i let him down the most. i let Him down with my actions, my words, everything. 
i know He forgives and all, but i just dont feel like He could love me the same. this pictures shows a man clinging to God, and God is there holding him. it reminds me of how God has been there my entire life holding me, even at the times i think He isnt, He really is. 
i have had sex, i was the girl who always said she wasnt going to have sex with anyone until her wedding night, and she sure wasnt going to have sex with a man she wasnt going to marry, but i got carried away, i thought he liked me, i thought we could have a future and i threw it all away. at first i wasnt feeling guilty or regretting it, but as i look back on it i think i was just trying not too, but deep down i always did. 
i was talking with a friend tonight because late at night my mind wanders to std's and hiv/aids and if i maybe have one, which i should go get checked and i will soon, but anyways we were talking about God and how He is closer to me than the air i breathe, and He is, but why dont i feel like that? why would God be here comforting me? His daughter who doesnt even speak to Him..i believe in Him, and i love Him with all my heart but i'm not there, i know that doesnt make any sense and i wish it did, but it does make sense to me.. and i would try to explain it but i cant, because im just not sure. 
God, my dear heavenly Father,i want to be close to You so badly, but i dont even know where to begin. it was always so much easier to push You away, but i dont want to do that anymore. i want to rely on You 100%, and not on other things, or myself, cuz so many times i think i can handle it on my own, but the truth of the matter is i cant. nor should i even try, not when i have You on my side, and You only want the best for me. help me to see where to go from here. i love You so incredibly much and im thankful for the people You have put into my life. thank You Father. 

so glad to have this girl in my life. :) i dont know where i'd be without you. you will forever be my friend, and i will forever be your friend. now i just need to get to Georgia to visit you, cuz i miss you so dang much! 
Lord, i thank You for such an amazing friend like Shauna. thank You for letting me work at grandview for this reason alone, and several other ones. :)

Moving on.

moving on,what i should have done right after camp,but i couldnt. last thursday was the last day demarco and i talked until last night.. four days without him, and i was a wreck, i tried to keep myself busy but i still missed him a ton.. 
well last night i called him about 11pm and he answered and was like im going to sleep and i pleaded with him to stay but he said "i overslept this morning, because i was on the phone all night, im going to sleep." so i hung up on him and cried my eyes out.
so then this morning i was texting him and he told me he hadnt missed me and he didnt even know why he was talking to me. so once again he had me crying.. apparently i felt the need to finally say goodbye once and for all. 
it was in no way easy for me, but its what i need to do, at least for now. maybe someday in the future we can be friends again, but its not looking promising. we're at different stages of life, and he has a lot more growing up to do.. yeah i'll miss him but this is for the best.. now i just need to surround myself with my friends and have them help me through this.. its in no way going to be easy..but heres to my life without demarco. :) 

SENIORS 2012! :)  after four years of playing with these girls(for an afternoon) its over. no more sunday afternoon of hitting people..lol..(even though it makes me completely sore) it was well worth it. :) i will miss this but life goes on and we had the best four years ever. with winning it all last year we thought we could do it again but the freshmen were beasts and they beat us by six points..so not to bad. i wanna say thanks for the four years of memories, im so glad i decided to play each year! an experience i will always remember and appreciate. thanks girls. :)

 allyson and alison..two of my 5-star girls who went on the day trip..we went to michigan for the day with three other schools. it really was a great experience and im glad i decided to go. i got to pray with the blonde allyson and i think that was the BEST part of the entire day..
they both conquered some of their fears and i couldnt be prouder of them. it was so amazing seeing them rock it out the entire day, even during the hail storm they had fun even though they couldnt finish the activities they were supposed to do.
i also got to talk to this little girl from kenya. i cant remember what her name was but i do remember the conversation we had. i was so amazed at learning about her culture and just getting to know her. i love learning about different cultures and i like people who are from different countries, maybe thats why i have such a passion for missions..thank you God for giving me a passion to learn about different cultures, i cant wait to see where You take me in life. and im ready. :) 

I am and the lies we believe

 truth, whether you believe it or not.
I am one of a kind. I am powerful. I am talented. I am gifted. I am smart. I am beautiful. I am kind. I have unlimited potential. I can do anything i set my mind to. I'm excited about life and have a purpose to fulfill. I have a bright future. 
now the lies you believe...
i am stupid, i am ugly, i am fat, i am a slut, i am worthless, i have no future, i have no talents, i'm nothing, i'm not wanted, i can't do anything right, i'm friendless, i suck. 

i have and still do believe all these lies about myself and so many more. i always have and probably always will. yesterday in 5-star we talked about how we were born to speak like a champion. after going around the circle, my girls wanted to hear what i had to say and since they opened up to me i decided it was probably best i opened up to them about my life. as much i couldnt believe what these girls were saying about themselves they also couldnt believe i would say the same exact things about myself. my one girl Gwendolyn drew this picture for me and she had given me a hug and said she thought i was beautiful and that i was wanted by her. this picture now hangs in my room by my desk and it reminds me how much i mean to these girls even after two weeks of knowing them. i'm doing a good things with them, and i love each and every one of them and cant wait to meet with them again. not only do i get to help them but they get to help me and im so thankful for the 7 girls on my team, hears to a good year at 5-star!

oh so happy.

i get to move out of the lodge and into logan! you have no idea how happy i am about this decision. 
i miss living with these girls in logan. 

but now i'll get to live with some other pretty amazing people and im sure it will be good for me. this rooming situation was not the best and i knew that it wasnt going to be from the moment in july that my mom told me who i was living with. i dont like how the things happened with the people i live with, but im so thrilled to be getting out. i just wish it would have ended better, but honestly its no big deal to me. cuz im getting out, what i wanted from the beginning. 

 oh demarco, i miss you so dang much. will i ever get over you? highly doubtful. we talk all the time and we still plan weird things that people in relationships plan, and plus hes dating his ex again and even though i hate that i dont want to stop talking to him. but maybe i should? i dont know. i love him.

just go with it.

it's friday night, and while i had gone out to dinner with a friend i hadnt seen in a long time, and then to Bible study, (we watched some movie,boring), i now sit here with my very awesome roommate watching just go with it. its a movie with adam sandler and jennifer aniston. adam plays a man who was cheated on by a woman he was going to marry and swore he would never let himself get hurt again, he then meets this young girl and she finds a wedding ring in his pocket, he then goes on to make this fake family, and they end up all going to hawaii, while there, adam and jennifer fall in love. 
i sit here and wish i had someone to fall in love with. i mean sure i had a boy this summer and a little bit into the school year, but things didnt work out, which makes me sad but sometimes that just happens. i honestly had fallen in love with him, and didnt want to lose him but maybe its just for the best. sure i cant see how it is at the moment, but im trying. 
i feel like part of me is missing, i cant explain the feeling,it just feels like my heart is imcomplete. im trying to let God take control but its so hard. but hey i guess i just gotta go with it! until then i'll be waiting and hoping he comes soon.i just hope God doesnt take so long to give him to me.

oh summer, i miss thee

i would say that i had one of the best summers of my life.. :) i met and worked with some of the greatest people. i worked for the salvation army camp grandview. :) 
i was a counselor, and my co Gabriella and i were probably the best counselors ever, hah, im not biased at all. :)  

God has shown me that i have a passion for inner city kids, and kids that are less fortunate and are having a hard time. never once did i see myself having such a love for those little kids. the very first week of camp i had 19 little 9 year old girls. and i know you're not supposed to have favorites but i did. secoriah is her name.  

secoriah was quiet at first but she seemed to really open up to me after awhile. she would always sit next to me at meals and would be incredibly willing to help clean up after the meals. i called her my bug. <3 in the middle of the week she was crying one night and i went to talk to her, she was missing home, so i let her write a letter home, which i was supposed to send but i forgot too. anyways. on thursday the night before they were leaving she was crying again and i tried talking to her but she didnt want to talk to me. i didnt understand why and i was really concerned, especially since right before that she was leaning on me at our night program. finally i got her to nod, when i asked her questions. i said to her "are you crying because you're going to miss me?" and she shook her head yes, and that broke my heart. i cried when saying goodbye to her and i told her i'd never forget her. well the next week i was looking through my backpack and found her letter to her mom, i decided to read it, and after i did it just broke my heart. she had asked her mom if she even loved her..i just broke down and cried. i'm so glad i got to love on her for the week. :) 

Cydney was from week four. she is probably the cutest little girl in the world, okay not true, all of my girls were the cutest. but cydney was so scared of bugs and while it annoyed us, it was also cute. i didnt learn that much about her as i would have liked but i did enjoy having her in my cabin. :) 

week five brings me to my dear little chase. such a cute girl with an even cuter name. :) she was the quietest girl ever. i only heard her talk a few times. all week i kept asking her if i could take her home and she would always say yes, :) the headband im wearing, she gave to me. we never had to yell at her which was a good thing because all six weeks i think we always had to yell at the girls. i'm not really sure why i loved chase so much but i did, and i think about her a lot of the time. i have this picture framed and in my dorm room, i dont know why but she left an impression on me and i fell in love with her. 

which brings me to week six..week six was a stressful long week. i was emotionally and physically tired and i 


even got sick the second day. :( which i didnt like being away from my girls, and the little moments of them being concerned and missing me were the best moments of my life. 

Teriyana was thee most annoying obnoxious little girl of the whole six weeks. yet she was the one i liked the most.

which is weird being she annoyed me the most. she would call me miss sickness, yet she would always hold my hand and hug me. i had talked to my friend patty about her and she was like yeah she was in my cabin last week and i think theres something wrong cuz shes so clingy. i remember thinking oh great i dont want that. she was obnoxious to demarco and would kick him and stuff. one day it was chilly and i let her wear my old navy zip up sweater. on the day we were packing for them to leave i asked for my sweater back and she gave it to me and for some reason i just felt like i should let her keep it, so i did. i gave her it. her face lit up like a lightbulb and i was so confused as to why she was so excited to keep my sweater, after i gave it to her i just felt good and that i did the right thing. i'm glad that i got to give her it, because maybe she doesnt receive gifts like that, and im glad i could be the one to show her love. 
so my summer was really rewarding and i wouldnt change anything about it. i want to work there next summer or another salvation army camp but we'll see where God leads me, after all He's in charge. :)  

family

my family.people i used to take for granted, people i'm finally realizing actually care about me,people i'm growing to like seeing,people i'm finally starting to love with my whole heart. 

i've been hurt by my family on numerous occasions, sometimes little, sometimes big things. i've learned to let go and forgive, its not always easy but i need to do it. 

i love them.



i'm missing my family,a lot.

useless

apparently thats what my dad thinks i am.
my brother thinks his best friends girlfriend is this perfect little princess, when in all actuality shes gotten worse since high school and i will never ever like her, he cant see the beotch in her.
im so ready to leave.... georgia cant come fast enough

why hello there mister moon

i'm sitting in my room at home, and out of the corner of my eye i saw that the sky was illuminating, i turned to look only to see the moon lighting up the entire sky. its simply beautiful.                            

 its really amazing when you get to see God's creation and when you realize just how amazing it actually is. God took time to hand craft the moon, He gave it the ability to light up the sky, to hide, to illuminate. and it does an amazing job at that. i never really looked the the things God created and just took the time to enjoy them, i take that for granted. im going to try not to do that anymore, it'll take time but with God anything is possible. now i wish the moon would come out of hiding and light up the sky again. 
in a few short weeks i will be heading to georgia to work at camp grandview for the summer, im stoked, nervous, scared, happy, and sad all at once. i dont know what it will be like or if the other employees and campers will even like me. thats always one of my fears but i need to let it go. God help me, :) 

 family. its what i need to get by and i love them to pieces. they were always people i took for granted, but im beginning to realize their on my side and they love me no matter how many times i mess up or how many times i get angry with them.
Lord thank you for giving me an amazing family, that includes, brothers,parents, aunts, uncles, cousins, and all my grandparents who are no longer on earth especially my pappy and grammy. :)



 

im such a screw up.

rain,rain,rain, go away

it's a rainy saturday here in Mishawaka. and i'm stuck inside writing a paper for evangelism and discipleship. and i'm going to be writing another way today and tomorrow and monday. it's my research paper for sociology of religion. :) that has to be like 7 pages or something.. im not sure.

and here is bethel's men's soccer team trying to break the guinness world record of longest futsal game ever played. the record to beat was 32 hours and 20 minutes and at 8:21pm monday april 11th, they beat it and went on to play for 35 hours. so yes, BETHEL'S MEN'S SOCCER TEAM IS THE NEW RECORD HOLDERS AND IN THE GUINNESS BOOK! :)
so very proud of them.



we have 3 days of classes left, then easter break, then finals weeek!! :) oh and btw i will NOT be working at the dc next year and i cant wait to burn that hat! however i really need to find a new job so i have one for next year but if not its okay because i'll still have some money from the summer.

speaking of summer i cant wait! 

oh what to do

so basically i got this site because well i couldnt get on xanga here anymore, which is an online journal too, and i really just like to type my thoughts and i know no one uses xanga anymore and thats what i liked about it. but for some odd reason bethel blocked it. so not cool BC.

this right here is my best friend. i love her so very much. and in a few weeks i'll get to see her and spend a whole month with her until i leave for georgia.



anyways. i have some things i need to figure out and im not really sure what im going to do.hmmm. life, its hard sometimes.


so i've gotten addicted to army wives again. i forgot how much i loved that show. :) i'm currently on the third season episode 9. i used to be addicted to bones but im taking a break for awhile, but i still love it.

oh my PHILLIES beat the mets tonight. :) 

my first post!

whooooa a new blogging site since i can't seem to get onto my old one. which sucks cuz i liked that one, but oh well it happens.


classes will be over in 2 and half weeks, then we have Easter break then finals week. then its SUMMER 2011 :) i can't wait! i'm working in georgia at camp grandview, it will hopefully be a good time. i'm excited to be a counselor though.

i've always wondered how people put pictures on here and then write like this, looks like i figured it out. which is awesssome! lol

this 3 people mean a lot to me. i love them a lot.