Me and God.....

i chose this particular picture for this blog entry because tonight has been a hard night on me.i've let God down a lot in my 22 years of life. and this past summer i feel like i let him down the most. i let Him down with my actions, my words, everything. 
i know He forgives and all, but i just dont feel like He could love me the same. this pictures shows a man clinging to God, and God is there holding him. it reminds me of how God has been there my entire life holding me, even at the times i think He isnt, He really is. 
i have had sex, i was the girl who always said she wasnt going to have sex with anyone until her wedding night, and she sure wasnt going to have sex with a man she wasnt going to marry, but i got carried away, i thought he liked me, i thought we could have a future and i threw it all away. at first i wasnt feeling guilty or regretting it, but as i look back on it i think i was just trying not too, but deep down i always did. 
i was talking with a friend tonight because late at night my mind wanders to std's and hiv/aids and if i maybe have one, which i should go get checked and i will soon, but anyways we were talking about God and how He is closer to me than the air i breathe, and He is, but why dont i feel like that? why would God be here comforting me? His daughter who doesnt even speak to Him..i believe in Him, and i love Him with all my heart but i'm not there, i know that doesnt make any sense and i wish it did, but it does make sense to me.. and i would try to explain it but i cant, because im just not sure. 
God, my dear heavenly Father,i want to be close to You so badly, but i dont even know where to begin. it was always so much easier to push You away, but i dont want to do that anymore. i want to rely on You 100%, and not on other things, or myself, cuz so many times i think i can handle it on my own, but the truth of the matter is i cant. nor should i even try, not when i have You on my side, and You only want the best for me. help me to see where to go from here. i love You so incredibly much and im thankful for the people You have put into my life. thank You Father. 

so glad to have this girl in my life. :) i dont know where i'd be without you. you will forever be my friend, and i will forever be your friend. now i just need to get to Georgia to visit you, cuz i miss you so dang much! 
Lord, i thank You for such an amazing friend like Shauna. thank You for letting me work at grandview for this reason alone, and several other ones. :)