You're a retard. You're stupid. You're fat. You're ugly. You'll never amount to anything. Your clothes suck. That looks terrible.. 

And people wonder why i distance myself from them. Why im so reluctent to open up, to like them. 

Ever since i can remember people have been tearing me down. I tried to work on myself and not believing any of what they said. I tried to love myself. But i can't. Im too damaged. 

So this is me giving up. I quit. 

Questions...

You know how older people always say to you, "oh you jst have to love God, obey Him, read the bible and everything will fall into place" 

Okay you do that but nothing gets better.. And yet the people who do none of those things have everything you want and a much better life... How does that even make sense? Hows that fair? 

Youre doing everything your supposed too yet you still have crap.. 

Why try to even change your life if nothing good is going to come from it? 

the focus

Ah a new year, i say who cares? It's going to be the same old thing it always is. In fact I was right, life hasn't even gotten semi better. At the beginning of the year, which has only been 21 days long, my best friend walked out of my life. Yes i mean Adam. I've been a wreck, but in the past day I've realized a great deal about myself too. A woman from my bible study gave me a book called "I've never been to Vegas but my luggage has" by Mandy Hale. It was a good read, lots of heartbreak, but also good. 

So I've been writing Adam a letter, an honest one. Idk if i'll ever give it to him, but i defintely learned my biggest problem. The one i've had for 25 years, well maybe not exactly 25, we'll say 15 years. You can do the math and figure out right around middle school age, which for us was 5th grade. i want so badly to love someone and be loved in return, and guess what i had that. i had it and i messed it up, because i couldnt let him love me. 

so for the next month, i will be focusing on myself, and fixing me. 

and i will continue to pray for adam, whether hes never supposed to come back into my life or if he is, i will pray. 

Too much..

Things are a constant struggle and lately its just getting worse. Its the Christmas season so i should be happy but yet i find myself just having meltdowns. 

What i want most is for my best friend, Adam, to be happy. And if that means he dates another girl i have to be okay with that. Just ✔️ it off as another thing i want that i dont get. Im struggling to be okay with losing that dream. Sure he frustrates me to no end but in the end hes still the guy i go too, the guy i feel safe and comfortable around. I still dont understand why he is in my life or why he continues to be there, sure i hope he stays forever but idk. 

Keep me in your prayers.. 

In the wee hours of the morning

I havent written in a couple months, why?  Who really knows. 

You're probably wondering if things are better since my last post, they were while I was in Spain but then I came home. I was faced with the ending of a friendship, Adam in case you were wondering. And then a week later he came to bring me my stuff and I was going to give him his back but instead we talked for an hour and he asked me to be his friend. We'be had quite the rough patch, the first month was great but then we cuddled and it brought back all my feelings I have tried so hard to hide. We've been fighting and mostly on my part. I have tried to leave but I just cant bring myself to do it. 

So theres got to be something wrong with me. Why else would I push my best friend away? The one person who knows me, the one person who I can talk to about anything. Who sticks by me no matter what. Why am I so invested in ruining that? 

I guess I just dont feel good enough, worthy enough. Im not sure I ever will. What good have I done in his life? What good will I do? 

I dont think anyone can understand my struggles, and I dont know how to change. I dont know how to let myself feel good enough. The simple answer is God, but Im afraid I dont know how to get there. I am so closed off and I dont know if anyone will ever be able to break through. 

as of lately

I am not going to sit here and say that I have my life together, because I don't. I wont sit here and lie and say God and I are on good terms, why? because we aren't and haven't been for awhile. I cant really pinpoint an exact time where I stopped reading my bible and stopped talking to Him, I just gave up. and honestly I've been blocked and haven't been able to get back. sure in the past two weeks I have cried out to him a lot for some things but every time I want to pick up my bible, I just cant.

I don't want to say that I've given up, because I haven't. I mean tonight I went to the jewels bible study, and sure the fellowship is great and much needed, I just had a hard time listening to the woman on the video talking. and maybe that was because 1. I'm not a very big on "lectures" and 2. I was texting Adam the entire time. next time I go I think I just need to put away my phone and listen to it, like really listen. I think going to jewels will be a good thing for me, I just have to let my guard down and let people in.

since I brought Adam up I might as tell the world about him, okay really no one because no one even knows about this. I met Adam a month ago, and while it has been the greatest month of my life, it has also been a constant struggle. Adam and I both have issues from our past that make having a relationship difficult, and we had gotten too close too soon, so we took a million steps back and now we're just "friends" taking it slow and working things out and waiting for the day where we feel like we could have a relationship and make it work. people ask why I haven't given up yet, and I say because I cant, and I truly cant. but I also have been in prayer about it and I don't feel like God is telling me to give up, in fact I see a future with this man. and sure he probably thinks im nuts about this but i believe what i believe, and hes never seemed to judge me for that or not want to be with me and i appreciate that. i honestly don't know where we will go from here but i look forward to seeing, and experiencing life with him.

other than that things are going well. except that one of the neighbor boys passed away yesterday and I don't know why I feel a sadness because I didn't talk to him but I do. maybe I just care about other people a little too much. Adam thinks its weird that im this sad about it but what can I say, im a girl who cares.

until next time, stay awesome!

WHHHHHY

today has definitely been a day with fighting with God. well i wouldnt call it fighting but calling out to Him, asking Him why. 

i am 24 years old and not married or even in a relationship. i gave up all those useless boys who made me stumble, i read my bible every day and pray lots during the day, and do my devotion book. i'm trying to be content and wait for the perfect guy BUT it is SOO HARD. i see all my friends who are married and have kids, or are engaged, then i see the women who are in there 30's who arent married yet, and they seem to hold it together so well. its like they dont even care about being married, and they never talk about their future wedding. then theres me, and i seem okay for awhile but then i get so down and i just cry and cry about it. 

why would God give us the want to be married if He decides that its best for us to be single? yes i am afraid of that, but do i truly believe that i wont ever get married? no i dont think i do. i know theres someone out there for me and God is molding him into the Godly man i need him to be. BUT im tired of waiting. im tired of seeing all my friends who arent seeking the Lord with kids, married, boyfriends, etc. 

why shouldnt i have what my heart wants when I AM seeking God. i trust Him. i love Him. so what am i doing wrong?  but i guess writing this and complaining and what not isnt really being content, or having pure motives for seeking Him. 

so how is your heart? am i seeking God for the reward, or to know Him?