SCaRed

this past week my stomach has hurt like no other, i couldnt even eat without it hurting... i had no clue what it could even be.. 

so my parentals were asking me questions then they decided they knew or thought they knew what it was, so they were pushing on my stomach where my gall bladder is and i was screaming in pain. 

so the next day i went to the doctor and he confirmed my fears, he thought it might be my gall bladder too, which could end up in surgery. 

so i'm scheduled for a ultrasound tomorrow to find out if it is indeed my gall bladder.. 

im scared because i dont want to get surgery, the whole idea freaks me out, i know God will protect me and all but im still scared. ughh.. but i guess i'll find out tomorrow. 


in other news. i head back to bethel on tuesday, for my last year of college ever! so exciting yet scarey. im excited for the plans for the future and i look forward to that, but heres to the next year at bethel! 

stupid!!

i am soooooooooo STUPIDDDDD!!! 

i actually thought that i could talk to demarco again, i dont know why but i did.. and im stupid, just stupid.. 

so thank yo satan for trying to get to me again, im not listening to you again.. so stop trying to throw things at me.. 

For you... You know who.

You are my best friend.. The greatest best friend i've ever had.. And i dont want to lose you ever. I get that your tired of the demarco drama and honestly so am i, yes the past two days i have talked to him because i feel like i have no one anymore and he was there.. But i want to see and know what my life is without him.. Im trying to start over, i want to get to a good place with my amazing Father, and so far its only been a week but its been amazing journey.. I cant wait to see what the future holds but truth is i cant do it without my best friend by my side, someone to talk to about certain things, good things, struggles.. Whatever goes with starting this new life with God.. God's been trying to get my attention for so longand yes it took a huge mistake to realize this but i realized it and im doing something about it. For the first time in 23 years im reading my bible everyday, im praying more, im listening to speakers.. Its an amazing thing and i want to share it with you my best friend.. Last night i was thinking and if we're not friends, best friends, i wont have a maid of honor at my wedding, i wont have someone to share super fun things with, i wont have one of the most important person in my life.. I've been so blessed to meet you and i know you think that i'll get mad at what you have to say but you dont know that, your my best friend, i respect what you have to say.. And i've probably said it to myself a thousand times.. I love you dear friend, and i hope you read this, all the entries, you'll understand so much more.. 

ughh, i talked to demarco today. for like 2 seconds.. but that was a mistake.. 

i need to just delete his number.. so this doesnt happen again.