HAPPY BIRTHDAY JAMES!

it should come at no surprise that i miss this kid with my whole heart. this kid was my little "big" brother, the one person i could ALWAYS be myself around.someone who i NEVER thought would make me cry as much as he did after finding out he passed away. someone i NEVER thought i would even be as close to as i was.someone i NEVER thought would cross my mind everyday.
however, he is a person i will NEVER forget.and NEVER stop loving..
HAPPY BIRTHDAY JAMES, keep rocking it upstairs with Jesus. we all miss down here but your in a much better place than all of us combined.  :) i cant wait to see you again someday. oh what a joyous day that will be. 

turkey in yo belly time! :)

i have lots of things to be thankful for this year..i find it cliche to write that your thankful for your family..cuz yes im thankful for my mom and dad, but my brothers not so much..i know thats horrible to say but you dont know my brothers.
what im most thankful for, is the freedom to worship God. and the opportunity i got this past summer to work at camp grandview, i definitely appreciate the salvation army way more now....
so i hope you all have a wonderful thanksgiving! :)

inspiring.

this guy is amazing. i urge you to watch this. it made me think of how i should be grateful to have arms and legs, and just to be happy in general..hes truly inspiring. thank you joslyn for putting this on your facebook.

Me and God.....

i chose this particular picture for this blog entry because tonight has been a hard night on me.i've let God down a lot in my 22 years of life. and this past summer i feel like i let him down the most. i let Him down with my actions, my words, everything. 
i know He forgives and all, but i just dont feel like He could love me the same. this pictures shows a man clinging to God, and God is there holding him. it reminds me of how God has been there my entire life holding me, even at the times i think He isnt, He really is. 
i have had sex, i was the girl who always said she wasnt going to have sex with anyone until her wedding night, and she sure wasnt going to have sex with a man she wasnt going to marry, but i got carried away, i thought he liked me, i thought we could have a future and i threw it all away. at first i wasnt feeling guilty or regretting it, but as i look back on it i think i was just trying not too, but deep down i always did. 
i was talking with a friend tonight because late at night my mind wanders to std's and hiv/aids and if i maybe have one, which i should go get checked and i will soon, but anyways we were talking about God and how He is closer to me than the air i breathe, and He is, but why dont i feel like that? why would God be here comforting me? His daughter who doesnt even speak to Him..i believe in Him, and i love Him with all my heart but i'm not there, i know that doesnt make any sense and i wish it did, but it does make sense to me.. and i would try to explain it but i cant, because im just not sure. 
God, my dear heavenly Father,i want to be close to You so badly, but i dont even know where to begin. it was always so much easier to push You away, but i dont want to do that anymore. i want to rely on You 100%, and not on other things, or myself, cuz so many times i think i can handle it on my own, but the truth of the matter is i cant. nor should i even try, not when i have You on my side, and You only want the best for me. help me to see where to go from here. i love You so incredibly much and im thankful for the people You have put into my life. thank You Father. 

so glad to have this girl in my life. :) i dont know where i'd be without you. you will forever be my friend, and i will forever be your friend. now i just need to get to Georgia to visit you, cuz i miss you so dang much! 
Lord, i thank You for such an amazing friend like Shauna. thank You for letting me work at grandview for this reason alone, and several other ones. :)

Moving on.

moving on,what i should have done right after camp,but i couldnt. last thursday was the last day demarco and i talked until last night.. four days without him, and i was a wreck, i tried to keep myself busy but i still missed him a ton.. 
well last night i called him about 11pm and he answered and was like im going to sleep and i pleaded with him to stay but he said "i overslept this morning, because i was on the phone all night, im going to sleep." so i hung up on him and cried my eyes out.
so then this morning i was texting him and he told me he hadnt missed me and he didnt even know why he was talking to me. so once again he had me crying.. apparently i felt the need to finally say goodbye once and for all. 
it was in no way easy for me, but its what i need to do, at least for now. maybe someday in the future we can be friends again, but its not looking promising. we're at different stages of life, and he has a lot more growing up to do.. yeah i'll miss him but this is for the best.. now i just need to surround myself with my friends and have them help me through this.. its in no way going to be easy..but heres to my life without demarco. :) 

SENIORS 2012! :)  after four years of playing with these girls(for an afternoon) its over. no more sunday afternoon of hitting people..lol..(even though it makes me completely sore) it was well worth it. :) i will miss this but life goes on and we had the best four years ever. with winning it all last year we thought we could do it again but the freshmen were beasts and they beat us by six points..so not to bad. i wanna say thanks for the four years of memories, im so glad i decided to play each year! an experience i will always remember and appreciate. thanks girls. :)

 allyson and alison..two of my 5-star girls who went on the day trip..we went to michigan for the day with three other schools. it really was a great experience and im glad i decided to go. i got to pray with the blonde allyson and i think that was the BEST part of the entire day..
they both conquered some of their fears and i couldnt be prouder of them. it was so amazing seeing them rock it out the entire day, even during the hail storm they had fun even though they couldnt finish the activities they were supposed to do.
i also got to talk to this little girl from kenya. i cant remember what her name was but i do remember the conversation we had. i was so amazed at learning about her culture and just getting to know her. i love learning about different cultures and i like people who are from different countries, maybe thats why i have such a passion for missions..thank you God for giving me a passion to learn about different cultures, i cant wait to see where You take me in life. and im ready. :)