You're a retard. You're stupid. You're fat. You're ugly. You'll never amount to anything. Your clothes suck. That looks terrible.. 

And people wonder why i distance myself from them. Why im so reluctent to open up, to like them. 

Ever since i can remember people have been tearing me down. I tried to work on myself and not believing any of what they said. I tried to love myself. But i can't. Im too damaged. 

So this is me giving up. I quit. 

Questions...

You know how older people always say to you, "oh you jst have to love God, obey Him, read the bible and everything will fall into place" 

Okay you do that but nothing gets better.. And yet the people who do none of those things have everything you want and a much better life... How does that even make sense? Hows that fair? 

Youre doing everything your supposed too yet you still have crap.. 

Why try to even change your life if nothing good is going to come from it? 

the focus

Ah a new year, i say who cares? It's going to be the same old thing it always is. In fact I was right, life hasn't even gotten semi better. At the beginning of the year, which has only been 21 days long, my best friend walked out of my life. Yes i mean Adam. I've been a wreck, but in the past day I've realized a great deal about myself too. A woman from my bible study gave me a book called "I've never been to Vegas but my luggage has" by Mandy Hale. It was a good read, lots of heartbreak, but also good. 

So I've been writing Adam a letter, an honest one. Idk if i'll ever give it to him, but i defintely learned my biggest problem. The one i've had for 25 years, well maybe not exactly 25, we'll say 15 years. You can do the math and figure out right around middle school age, which for us was 5th grade. i want so badly to love someone and be loved in return, and guess what i had that. i had it and i messed it up, because i couldnt let him love me. 

so for the next month, i will be focusing on myself, and fixing me. 

and i will continue to pray for adam, whether hes never supposed to come back into my life or if he is, i will pray.