WHHHHHY

today has definitely been a day with fighting with God. well i wouldnt call it fighting but calling out to Him, asking Him why. 

i am 24 years old and not married or even in a relationship. i gave up all those useless boys who made me stumble, i read my bible every day and pray lots during the day, and do my devotion book. i'm trying to be content and wait for the perfect guy BUT it is SOO HARD. i see all my friends who are married and have kids, or are engaged, then i see the women who are in there 30's who arent married yet, and they seem to hold it together so well. its like they dont even care about being married, and they never talk about their future wedding. then theres me, and i seem okay for awhile but then i get so down and i just cry and cry about it. 

why would God give us the want to be married if He decides that its best for us to be single? yes i am afraid of that, but do i truly believe that i wont ever get married? no i dont think i do. i know theres someone out there for me and God is molding him into the Godly man i need him to be. BUT im tired of waiting. im tired of seeing all my friends who arent seeking the Lord with kids, married, boyfriends, etc. 

why shouldnt i have what my heart wants when I AM seeking God. i trust Him. i love Him. so what am i doing wrong?  but i guess writing this and complaining and what not isnt really being content, or having pure motives for seeking Him. 

so how is your heart? am i seeking God for the reward, or to know Him? 

my life as of today

i have been doing a devotion called lady in waiting, and it is excellent! i have learned so much and still have plenty to learn. if you are a female and you need a good devotion book, i highly suggest this one!

i recently had to make a choice about a guy i thought i was going to marry. we were unofficial and i was so thrilled to be planning a wedding to a guy i thought was the love of my life. HOWEVER God happens to work in mysterious ways and after much thought and reading my devotion book i made the decision to end things for now, but im starting to think that it might just be forever. and while i am bummed about losing my best friend, i am also glad for this separation, it has helped me realize so much, and maybe one day we'll be friends again, but for now I AM OKAY. it has taken me much time to be able to say that and truly believe it, and maybe that has to do with a guy i met tonight, i dont know.   

i am still unemployed but today i had an interview to be a sub in brandywine school district with the special needs students. we will see where that leads but im hoping for good things. student loan repayment starts soon, so i really do need to find a job and quick.




well i do believe that is all for now.