Too much..

Things are a constant struggle and lately its just getting worse. Its the Christmas season so i should be happy but yet i find myself just having meltdowns. 

What i want most is for my best friend, Adam, to be happy. And if that means he dates another girl i have to be okay with that. Just ✔️ it off as another thing i want that i dont get. Im struggling to be okay with losing that dream. Sure he frustrates me to no end but in the end hes still the guy i go too, the guy i feel safe and comfortable around. I still dont understand why he is in my life or why he continues to be there, sure i hope he stays forever but idk. 

Keep me in your prayers.. 

In the wee hours of the morning

I havent written in a couple months, why?  Who really knows. 

You're probably wondering if things are better since my last post, they were while I was in Spain but then I came home. I was faced with the ending of a friendship, Adam in case you were wondering. And then a week later he came to bring me my stuff and I was going to give him his back but instead we talked for an hour and he asked me to be his friend. We'be had quite the rough patch, the first month was great but then we cuddled and it brought back all my feelings I have tried so hard to hide. We've been fighting and mostly on my part. I have tried to leave but I just cant bring myself to do it. 

So theres got to be something wrong with me. Why else would I push my best friend away? The one person who knows me, the one person who I can talk to about anything. Who sticks by me no matter what. Why am I so invested in ruining that? 

I guess I just dont feel good enough, worthy enough. Im not sure I ever will. What good have I done in his life? What good will I do? 

I dont think anyone can understand my struggles, and I dont know how to change. I dont know how to let myself feel good enough. The simple answer is God, but Im afraid I dont know how to get there. I am so closed off and I dont know if anyone will ever be able to break through. 

as of lately

I am not going to sit here and say that I have my life together, because I don't. I wont sit here and lie and say God and I are on good terms, why? because we aren't and haven't been for awhile. I cant really pinpoint an exact time where I stopped reading my bible and stopped talking to Him, I just gave up. and honestly I've been blocked and haven't been able to get back. sure in the past two weeks I have cried out to him a lot for some things but every time I want to pick up my bible, I just cant.

I don't want to say that I've given up, because I haven't. I mean tonight I went to the jewels bible study, and sure the fellowship is great and much needed, I just had a hard time listening to the woman on the video talking. and maybe that was because 1. I'm not a very big on "lectures" and 2. I was texting Adam the entire time. next time I go I think I just need to put away my phone and listen to it, like really listen. I think going to jewels will be a good thing for me, I just have to let my guard down and let people in.

since I brought Adam up I might as tell the world about him, okay really no one because no one even knows about this. I met Adam a month ago, and while it has been the greatest month of my life, it has also been a constant struggle. Adam and I both have issues from our past that make having a relationship difficult, and we had gotten too close too soon, so we took a million steps back and now we're just "friends" taking it slow and working things out and waiting for the day where we feel like we could have a relationship and make it work. people ask why I haven't given up yet, and I say because I cant, and I truly cant. but I also have been in prayer about it and I don't feel like God is telling me to give up, in fact I see a future with this man. and sure he probably thinks im nuts about this but i believe what i believe, and hes never seemed to judge me for that or not want to be with me and i appreciate that. i honestly don't know where we will go from here but i look forward to seeing, and experiencing life with him.

other than that things are going well. except that one of the neighbor boys passed away yesterday and I don't know why I feel a sadness because I didn't talk to him but I do. maybe I just care about other people a little too much. Adam thinks its weird that im this sad about it but what can I say, im a girl who cares.

until next time, stay awesome!

WHHHHHY

today has definitely been a day with fighting with God. well i wouldnt call it fighting but calling out to Him, asking Him why. 

i am 24 years old and not married or even in a relationship. i gave up all those useless boys who made me stumble, i read my bible every day and pray lots during the day, and do my devotion book. i'm trying to be content and wait for the perfect guy BUT it is SOO HARD. i see all my friends who are married and have kids, or are engaged, then i see the women who are in there 30's who arent married yet, and they seem to hold it together so well. its like they dont even care about being married, and they never talk about their future wedding. then theres me, and i seem okay for awhile but then i get so down and i just cry and cry about it. 

why would God give us the want to be married if He decides that its best for us to be single? yes i am afraid of that, but do i truly believe that i wont ever get married? no i dont think i do. i know theres someone out there for me and God is molding him into the Godly man i need him to be. BUT im tired of waiting. im tired of seeing all my friends who arent seeking the Lord with kids, married, boyfriends, etc. 

why shouldnt i have what my heart wants when I AM seeking God. i trust Him. i love Him. so what am i doing wrong?  but i guess writing this and complaining and what not isnt really being content, or having pure motives for seeking Him. 

so how is your heart? am i seeking God for the reward, or to know Him? 

my life as of today

i have been doing a devotion called lady in waiting, and it is excellent! i have learned so much and still have plenty to learn. if you are a female and you need a good devotion book, i highly suggest this one!

i recently had to make a choice about a guy i thought i was going to marry. we were unofficial and i was so thrilled to be planning a wedding to a guy i thought was the love of my life. HOWEVER God happens to work in mysterious ways and after much thought and reading my devotion book i made the decision to end things for now, but im starting to think that it might just be forever. and while i am bummed about losing my best friend, i am also glad for this separation, it has helped me realize so much, and maybe one day we'll be friends again, but for now I AM OKAY. it has taken me much time to be able to say that and truly believe it, and maybe that has to do with a guy i met tonight, i dont know.   

i am still unemployed but today i had an interview to be a sub in brandywine school district with the special needs students. we will see where that leads but im hoping for good things. student loan repayment starts soon, so i really do need to find a job and quick.




well i do believe that is all for now. 

TRUTH

my best friend shane put this on his facebook page. i watched it out of curiosity and low and behold it was exactly what i needed to hear. its the truth, half the time we dont want to believe what this guy is saying but im learning each every day how very true it is. this is a powerful message to all females out there.

COLLEGE GRADUATE!

after five years i'm finally done! on May 5th, 2013, i walked across the stage at Bethel College and received my diploma.
everyone told me i couldnt do it, that after two weeks i would be homesick that i would quit and come home. i have been thru so much than anyone actually knows, obstacles have stood in my way, and im proud to say i overcame each and every one of them.
so i'd like to thank the people who believed in me, and more importantly the people who didnt. yall forced me to dig deeper and want to come out and succeed.
im starting to realize im going to miss bethel a lot. i have learned a lot going there and grown a lot too. made some amazing friendships with people who i will stay friends with forever. i've learned that even through all the mistakes i make God still loves me, even when i dont deserve it. i've learned some people come and go, some i was sad to see go, others not so much.
most importantly i learned that i can do it.

CONGRATS TO THE CLASS OF 2013.