this past week my stomach has hurt like no other, i couldnt even eat without it hurting... i had no clue what it could even be..
so my parentals were asking me questions then they decided they knew or thought they knew what it was, so they were pushing on my stomach where my gall bladder is and i was screaming in pain.
so the next day i went to the doctor and he confirmed my fears, he thought it might be my gall bladder too, which could end up in surgery.
so i'm scheduled for a ultrasound tomorrow to find out if it is indeed my gall bladder..
im scared because i dont want to get surgery, the whole idea freaks me out, i know God will protect me and all but im still scared. ughh.. but i guess i'll find out tomorrow.
in other news. i head back to bethel on tuesday, for my last year of college ever! so exciting yet scarey. im excited for the plans for the future and i look forward to that, but heres to the next year at bethel!
Thursday, August 23, 2012
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
stupid!!
i am soooooooooo STUPIDDDDD!!!
i actually thought that i could talk to demarco again, i dont know why but i did.. and im stupid, just stupid..
so thank yo satan for trying to get to me again, im not listening to you again.. so stop trying to throw things at me..
i actually thought that i could talk to demarco again, i dont know why but i did.. and im stupid, just stupid..
so thank yo satan for trying to get to me again, im not listening to you again.. so stop trying to throw things at me..
Sunday, August 12, 2012
For you... You know who.
You are my best friend.. The greatest best friend i've ever had.. And i dont want to lose you ever. I get that your tired of the demarco drama and honestly so am i, yes the past two days i have talked to him because i feel like i have no one anymore and he was there.. But i want to see and know what my life is without him.. Im trying to start over, i want to get to a good place with my amazing Father, and so far its only been a week but its been amazing journey.. I cant wait to see what the future holds but truth is i cant do it without my best friend by my side, someone to talk to about certain things, good things, struggles.. Whatever goes with starting this new life with God.. God's been trying to get my attention for so longand yes it took a huge mistake to realize this but i realized it and im doing something about it. For the first time in 23 years im reading my bible everyday, im praying more, im listening to speakers.. Its an amazing thing and i want to share it with you my best friend.. Last night i was thinking and if we're not friends, best friends, i wont have a maid of honor at my wedding, i wont have someone to share super fun things with, i wont have one of the most important person in my life.. I've been so blessed to meet you and i know you think that i'll get mad at what you have to say but you dont know that, your my best friend, i respect what you have to say.. And i've probably said it to myself a thousand times.. I love you dear friend, and i hope you read this, all the entries, you'll understand so much more..
Friday, August 10, 2012
Friday, July 27, 2012
MoVVViiEs
tonight i watched two movies.
first i watched soul surfer, a movie i've been wanting to see since it came out, but i just never got around to it. my mom and i went grocery shopping at giant and she pointed it out, so i broke down and paid the 15 dollars for it. let me just say, 15 dollars well spent! you know how sometimes you buy something then you have buyers remorse, yeah definitely dont. :) anyways, this movie is a must see if you havent. i had NO IDEA that it was a christian movie, so that surprised me when the beginning started showing courageous and to save a life. (great movies btw)
anyways, i LOVED soul surfer, i feel like in a way God wanted me to watch this movie, because i am questioning a lot of things right now, and i dont know much of anything anymore. but Bethany Hamilton was attacked by a shark and lost her arm, she wanted to give up but after a missions trip to thailand she came back and was ready to start again. as the movie says sometimes you need to step back and get a new perspective. maybe thats exactly what i need to do. im not sure what exactly that means yet, but realizing it is a start.
the second movie i watched(cuz i have nothing better to do) was water for elephants. i got it on netflix last week and i kept putting watching it off cuz i read the description and i was like oh great im not going to like it, well folks, i actually loved it as well! shocker right? for me yes. i thought the man, august, was so rude, how can someone beat animals? and your wife? ugh, it disgusts me. but either way it was a great movie, and frankly i love any movie with reese witherspoon.
well thats my two cents about two great movies. now its time to try to get some sleep.. probably wont happen.
first i watched soul surfer, a movie i've been wanting to see since it came out, but i just never got around to it. my mom and i went grocery shopping at giant and she pointed it out, so i broke down and paid the 15 dollars for it. let me just say, 15 dollars well spent! you know how sometimes you buy something then you have buyers remorse, yeah definitely dont. :) anyways, this movie is a must see if you havent. i had NO IDEA that it was a christian movie, so that surprised me when the beginning started showing courageous and to save a life. (great movies btw)
anyways, i LOVED soul surfer, i feel like in a way God wanted me to watch this movie, because i am questioning a lot of things right now, and i dont know much of anything anymore. but Bethany Hamilton was attacked by a shark and lost her arm, she wanted to give up but after a missions trip to thailand she came back and was ready to start again. as the movie says sometimes you need to step back and get a new perspective. maybe thats exactly what i need to do. im not sure what exactly that means yet, but realizing it is a start.
the second movie i watched(cuz i have nothing better to do) was water for elephants. i got it on netflix last week and i kept putting watching it off cuz i read the description and i was like oh great im not going to like it, well folks, i actually loved it as well! shocker right? for me yes. i thought the man, august, was so rude, how can someone beat animals? and your wife? ugh, it disgusts me. but either way it was a great movie, and frankly i love any movie with reese witherspoon.
well thats my two cents about two great movies. now its time to try to get some sleep.. probably wont happen.
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
words from a good friend
i was talking with a good friend last night on facebook, and told her some of the things i've been questioning and going through, and she sent me this.
Lastly, I'm so sorry for what you're dealing with. I can't say much since I obviously don't know the situation, but I know what it is to face challenges and question your faith. I'll be praying for you. And please know I'm here if you need to talk. The one thing I can say, as trite as it will sound, is this: This will pass. I know that it's crazy rough right now and you probably feel like you're not sure it will ever get better. But I promise you it will. And even when it does, it still may not make any sense for a long time. But someday, things will be better and you will be stronger. And once these scars have healed, you may find that this injury was one of the most beautiful things you could have experienced. I had to get to a place of complete brokenness before I could begin to grasp what it meant to believe in God. And I thought I'd be broken forever, I thought it would never get better and I'd just be a wanderer forever without any real purpose, believing in God but not trusting or pursuing him at all. But healing comes, and faith and purpose can be restored. The pain never fully goes away. At least it hasn't for me. It took me 2 years to figure out what "faith" and "trust" meant to God. I'm not saying it's a speedy journey -- just that the destination is so worth it.
So don't give up. Keep seeking, keep asking. Talk to people who've been where you've been, seek out mentors or friends or whoever you need to to advise you. You don't have to walk this alone.
i feel like this is something i needed to hear, so we'll see what happens from here.
Lastly, I'm so sorry for what you're dealing with. I can't say much since I obviously don't know the situation, but I know what it is to face challenges and question your faith. I'll be praying for you. And please know I'm here if you need to talk. The one thing I can say, as trite as it will sound, is this: This will pass. I know that it's crazy rough right now and you probably feel like you're not sure it will ever get better. But I promise you it will. And even when it does, it still may not make any sense for a long time. But someday, things will be better and you will be stronger. And once these scars have healed, you may find that this injury was one of the most beautiful things you could have experienced. I had to get to a place of complete brokenness before I could begin to grasp what it meant to believe in God. And I thought I'd be broken forever, I thought it would never get better and I'd just be a wanderer forever without any real purpose, believing in God but not trusting or pursuing him at all. But healing comes, and faith and purpose can be restored. The pain never fully goes away. At least it hasn't for me. It took me 2 years to figure out what "faith" and "trust" meant to God. I'm not saying it's a speedy journey -- just that the destination is so worth it.
So don't give up. Keep seeking, keep asking. Talk to people who've been where you've been, seek out mentors or friends or whoever you need to to advise you. You don't have to walk this alone.
i feel like this is something i needed to hear, so we'll see what happens from here.
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
Searching....
last week i got fired from my job at camp grandview..
i made a huge mistake and now im dealing with the consequences of my actions. losing the best job i've ever had, being heartbroken, losing a person i love more than anything, has made me question quite a lot of things.
im searching for the answers, and i havent gotten anywhere.
do i go back to bethel? well yes, because i need to finish what i started and i cant quit with one year left.
do i work as a missionary after graduation? i dont know.
am i really a christian? i dont know.
am i where God wants me? i dont know.
do i want to be a christian? i dont know.
who am i? i dont know.
i feel like i have lost every single thing in my life. and why, because i decided to do something with someone who i never meant anything too.
what have i become?
i made a huge mistake and now im dealing with the consequences of my actions. losing the best job i've ever had, being heartbroken, losing a person i love more than anything, has made me question quite a lot of things.
im searching for the answers, and i havent gotten anywhere.
do i go back to bethel? well yes, because i need to finish what i started and i cant quit with one year left.
do i work as a missionary after graduation? i dont know.
am i really a christian? i dont know.
am i where God wants me? i dont know.
do i want to be a christian? i dont know.
who am i? i dont know.
i feel like i have lost every single thing in my life. and why, because i decided to do something with someone who i never meant anything too.
what have i become?
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