with a little over 3 months until graduation i decided to look at some old pictures from freshmen year...
i never noticed how much i've changed not only mentally but physically too. it baffles me to look back and see everything and remember certain stuff.
so here are some pictures. all from freshmen year. (other years to come later)
we went to go see high school musical and decided to dress crazy and not matching.. looking back they werent as badly of mismatching as i was. the movie was okay but they were a bunch of high schoolers running around and being loud. it was annoying.
lauren and i right after she cut my hair, it later became a tradition for us. without this girl i probably wouldnt have gotten thru my time at bethel. shes one main reason i started working out and trying to eat healthy.i love this girl to death.
kylene and i.we had some crazy fun adventures, we even nicknamed ourselves lyla and savannuh. one time we walked all the way to tiki tan just so she could go tanning.
my first time ever playing powderpuff. it was super fun and we all came out with some form of mud or a battle wound. i got hurt in the middle and i should have continued to sit out but my team needed me so i sucked it up and played hurt.
my first ever service day as a bethel student. we went to toys for tots. it was fun. and i was glad to get to spend the morning with some of my closest friends at the time.
tiffany and i. :) my best friend. we once had a fight and didnt talk for months..to this day we joke about it. we had a fair share of ups and downs fresh. year.we used to always sit in her room and not talk or do anything. some of my favorite memories are with this girl.
glory and i in chicago, for easter break. it was my first break in college that i didnt go home. and i have to say even tho we fought it was still a pretty amazing time. i would do it again in a heartbeat.
this one time aarin, kelsea, and i skipped speech class and went to hobby lobby and michigan. i wouldnt have gotten thru speech without these two. i wish they would have continued to go to bethel after that year, but i will never forget all the amazing times we had together.
these are just a few of the many pictures i have from my freshmen year, not every single one of my friends made it on this blog post and thats okay. it doesnt make them any less important, its just that i only chose a couple pictures to put on here. freshmen year was quite a learning experience for me and its fun to look back at who i used to be.
it feels like i literally have no words yet my mouth just keeps going.
its kinda like shut the hell up maggs.
today has been a rough day. in fact we all know how much i complain and say everyday is rough, but this week wasnt that bad. today on the other hand was out of control. it all started off with having to work, which i dont mind and i honestly dont know what happened but i went off on someone and it wasnt even what you think. i was just being a cry baby and well thats that. i feel horrible about it and i have to have a talk with edie on monday and thats nothing new, im always getting in trouble.
BUTTTTT it did make me think. i've come a long way since who i was 5 years ago, and it is a slow process and i dont get mad all the time anymore but im used to getting my way and when i dont i get mad. then i feel terrible for a long time and apologize. then i was thinking whats the point of changing if nothing good comes out of it? i mean for real. whats the point? in my mind there is no point. so i make myself stop changing. just like with working out it frustrates me that i've been working so hard and havent lost any weight. like i dont want to be a bulga whale.
this entry really has no point except for me to vent in a non good writing manner and be angry and all that stupid crap.
so thats all from me today.
i know i shouldnt be sad on Christmas but i am.
why you ask? well you didnt ask but ima tell you anyways..
here it is..
my older brother has a fiancee
my twin has basically a wife, and a child. my niece.
my parents have each other.
i have no one! i shouldnt be upset about this but i am.
today they were all cuddling and being lovey and i had to sit there and watch them and be happy, and i am happy for them, honest.
it just sucks for me.
i want someone. im 23 years old and i just want the one to who im going to marry to come and be with me already.
its so hard watching my friends and family being in relationships and getting engaged, married, having kids..
why cant it be my turn? is there something wrong with me?
so Lord maybe you could bring him to me soon?
MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE! I HOPE Y'ALL HAD AMAZING DAYS!
my life is out of control ....like badly.
i dont know who i am anymore. i feel so lifeless, so unworthy, so useless, i'm just a mess of problems. i dont know what i'm doing, where i'm going, heck i dont even know if i believe in God anymore. i'm going through the motions and barely surviving. i need to be revived. i need something.
who the hell am i?
first off, James' birthday is on friday and it just has me thinking of how much i miss him. i spent thanksgiving with his family and it just felt like he should have been there but he never will be, until we meet again in Heaven. i just miss him so much and being able to be myself around him. he was one of the greatest friends i've ever had and he will forever be in my heart.. and to all the people who told me to get over it and move on, (back when it first happened) all i have to say to you is, you OBVIOUSLY dont know what its like to lose a best friend or anyone for that matter.
second. i've made a ton of mistakes, and will for the rest of my life, but falling in love with you is one thing i regret the most. besides the fact that i'd like to think i regret it, i dont know if i really do. yes, you were one of the best things to ever happen to me but we've changed in the past year and a half. we always said we'd always be friends and im starting to think thats not true. and i miss you all the time, but its time for me to see what life is like without you, so heres to the future without you in it.
third... im a missions major, why? because i felt God calling me to that and He has made so much possible for me to be here at bethel. HOWEVER im at a point in my life and have been for awhile as to why God would call me into the missions field, in fact someone last night was questioning that too. but he was right, with everything i do and say im not missionary material, im not worthy enough to go and spread God's love. what am i even doing here? im such a fake, i dont belong here. truth is, i love what i do, and even though it makes me feel bad in the end, i like doing it. i need to step back and re-evaluate my life, and the things im doing and ask if its truly worth it.
fourth. i have to go, i may or may not finish this some other time.. more on the may not side.
i recently found out what i think I've truly known all along. who my real friends are. after 5 years, im happy to say i dont consider any of them my friends. to be honest, i dont think i ever did. i always said to others that i knew we were NEVER going to be lifelong friends. thats the biggest thing thats happened in my life. and i honestly couldnt be HAPPIER about it! so thanks for a kinda good almost 5 years, but im glad yall are out of my life for good. sure if i see you around (which i dont think will really happen) i'll be nice and say hi but other than that i dont want to know anything else. and i dont want you to know anything about my life.
i ABSOLUTELY love my roommates. we have so much fun together! im so thankful for finally getting AMAZING roomies. they have been here for me so much, and i really dont know what i would do without them. TEAM 102 BABY! :)
that is basically all that has been going on in my life, minus a few things that i've been stressed about but thats all trival crap. and God will help me figure it all out. this much i know. i trust in Him always now. :)
being a 5th year isnt exactly all its cracked up to be, sure people say its normal to go 5 years, but honestly i feel lonelier than i've ever felt before, and i hate it. i dont like feeling or being lonely, i mean what person does? so being a 5th year is going to have to be a huge adjustment for me...
classes are good, i really like some of them but some i dont.. they seem like there all going to be a looooot of work, but thats fine since i really have nothing else to do. except work..
i really like my roommates, ellen and michelle.. its going to be a good year with them :)
heres to my 5th year and graduating in MAY! :)
